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  • Writer's pictureHey Draughter

On Ghosting: How Will I Know?

Who knew that two bottles of Malbec and a side hug after dinner was the goodbye of 2018?

A friend asked me recently: “Matthew, why do I get taken out on dates then never hear from the person again?”

Well. Chances are you’ve been ghosted. But, don’t worry— the reality is that we’ve all either been Ghosted or have ghosted someone. This isn’t acknowledging that fact that it’s okay. It’s just a sheer fact that it happens to everyone. 

When Plenty Of Fish did that survey a few years back about how 78% of people aging from 18-33 have been ghosted... at least once in their life, that revealed a few things. 

  1. You have a lot of people who are looking for love and you’re just not the person they feel like they’d fall in love with.

  2. You have people who are just really horny (and we all know what their end game is...)

  3. Then you have people who just don’t know how to communicate what they really want. 

There have been plenty of times when we’ve all entertained that one person who never really fully entertains us for far too long. But why is that? Why do we constantly egg people on when we know deep down inside it’s not what we want? Why do we wind up confusing people and wasting their time while we try to figure out what we really want? 

As some researchers believe ghosting is a tactic for some people to avoid their own emotional discomfort, without regarding the person's feelings that you’re ghosting. But, sometimes you ghost people because you have to. Sometimes to deal with your own emotions. You need time away from people. Time to think. There are some scenarios where ghosting can be understood. 

There are other times when the scenario can be understood, but still inconsiderate. For instance, my friend who asked me why she’s been ghosted explained that she had been texting someone, going on dates with the same guy, then all of a sudden his response pattern and tone was completely different. When someone’s responses are completely different... chances are they’ve met someone else to keep them much more interested and engaged than guy #1 did. 

If there’s one thing that I haven’t learned about my generation, it’s that we’re always here about our coins. So much so, that more than half of us have made dating a transactional term. We treat partners more like interview candidates and less like people with viable emotions. As we go from person to person, saying, "Next caller,” we suddenly find one small thing that bothers us about each candidate, we slowly start detaching ourselves from our ability to connect to people beyond a transactional basis. We begin to inflict a pain on others by quietly eliminating them off of the list. It’s almost like walking into an interview, thinking you did well, then never getting a follow-up of any kind.

Whether you’re the ghoster, the ghostee or the ghostbuster, this ultimate form of the silent treatment is a difficult one to navigate. Ghosting is often lead to over or under-thinking any kind of situationship. Today, it’s clear that falling in love is so bittersweet and it’s so much harder to know if he or she really loves you. 

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